Redeemer

My Dear Sweet Alisa-

   Before we start another Monday I wanted you to watch this video. You may have already seen it.... but the impact it has on me each time is incredible...

 I can not describe what I feel when I watch this. I think this video has helped me figure things out somewhat.  My plan for life was be good, do my best, follow the Savior, and life will be happy. But I think what we have both found out... Life isn't easy. Life at this moment may feel like agony. Like this man we fall to the ground... almost in unbelievable pain. At a low beyond low. This crazy thing is... somehow we can get up and walk... or live minute by minute. Like you, Not willing to give up! Determined to finish this race we call "day to day life". What you are feeling Alisa, if I have felt at all- it is so sad. It is painful. That is the most hard part I think... is when we are in pain, but we still  have to and want to finish this race. We limp by feeling this suffocating feeling with each step. Then with prayers and pleads there is someone there... Our Father in heaven. He comes to our side. And he holds us. Through a feeling, a person, a thought, a glimpse of light. Instead of this mans Father saying "You don't have to do this" and his Son replying "Yes, I do." We say  "Heavenly Father I can't do this!" But his response is, "Yes, you can... I am here."

It is still painful... terribly painful. But he is here the whole way, encouraging us, holding us, and telling us it is going to be okay. Together with the help of his angels all around us we will continue no matter how dark it gets. And soon we will get close to the finish line and he will let us go! To finish! So many people in this world and in heaven are cheering for us and especially you. You have seriously been through so much. I am at awe at you. This song I am giving you is called "Redeemer" it has helped me remember the miracle it is to have a Savior... 
 

Alisa I know he felt what we have. He did it by choice. He felt this ache of darkness. He suffered this same thing for us so one day it will be made right and never again will we have to feel this again. Never! Because of him! .I honestly miss him so much. I miss being in his presence. I know he lives... and I KNOW we are going to be okay one day. Mine gets better and better... I know yours will too. I loved that quote that the above video said, 

"When you don't give up... You can not Fail!"

Alisa I was not kidding when I said you must be one of the strongest people Heavenly Father has. You will always leave me in awe. This week may have lots of "pineapples" but we are going to finish this race.

If you have time listen to Redeemer one more time but with your eyes closed and I promise you will feel how much your Savior and Father love you and are here for you. I love you Alisa

Be still

Alisa-
   I have had you constantly on my mind and prayers. What I am writing today I am a little nervous for some reason.... I have had this constant prompting to share this but I am not sure how. I was sitting driving to Walmart this morning thinking of you and thinking of how you feel... and knowing how you feel from my own experience... I wish so badly I could take this away from you.  I know you have felt covered in the most awful thick darkness that does not seem to break. or how you feel like you honestly don't know how you can pray anymore- because it seems all you do all day long is plead with Heavenly Father for peace, relief, or strength. I know you must feel scared. I felt so scared at times... like once I thought my days were over or that I would be better off in a pit, because I felt so bad for doing this to my family and my precious sweet children. I was so in need of relief. I watched the clock minute by minute wishing Oliver would walk through the door... so I could crawl up in my bed and just be done. Then morning came and I did this over and over. Till one day after a year or more of prayers I got even more scared.... This time it wasn't for my life, or for people around me, but it was .... I depended on everyone else but myself. I realized that I couldn't live without Oliver. I lived my life each day for the clock and relief.  I didn't care what else happened. I realized that the longer I laid in bed the worse my depression/anxiety got. I was burying myself and becoming to scared to live on my own. This scared me beyond anything I have felt before. I somehow said one more prayer, more desperate than I have ever prayed before. Because I realized ....I have to do this on my own, I have to defeat this. I prayed saying I know Heavenly Father this dark pit is not ending soon.... but I have to live my life. I sat on the top stair feeling what I think Joseph Smith felt when he was in the forest for the first time praying which church was true and a dark personage or something came upon him.... where he felt like there was no escape. I felt this way... I sat shaking, almost screaming, trying to get myself to go.... I moved very slowly down the stairs.... minutes it took on some! I made it finally and said to myself,  Oliver can't be here, my family is in Colorado, my friends... I don't have good enough ones yet.... this is you.... you have to and CAN DO THIS....  I went into the laundry room and painfully put a load in... opened the dryer... an hour later it was folded. I tried my hardest to play with Paige, which consisted of me laying on the floor crying or making myself go outside and walk.... crying the whole time. I'd get in the car to get Belle and Cash and I wished I could run off the road. I was in a dark place.  Sometimes I felt like my body physically couldn't move. But somehow I moved. I got the kids, I did the dishes,  I did this day after day... all of a sudden I was doing it without as much pain. I kept trying. I was doing it....

This morning as I was thinking of what I could say or what Heavenly Father wanted to say to you... A song immediately came to my mind. Mind you I have not heard this song since high school. I don't even own the cd or know the words. I went home and immediately put the one line down that I knew in google... and the first thing that popped up was the song in my mind. Please listen to it before reading on....

Alisa I know this is what Heavenly Father wants you to hear today. I KNOW IT... MY HEART IS BURNING... I KNOW IT. Alisa everything is going to be alright. I know it is harder than anything especially when you have a new born and there is no sleep or end in sight...

I know you're weary
I know you've had all you can bear
And now you ask of me on bended knee
I promise I'll be there

I've watched you struggle
Yet I can see how much you've grown
Child, could you feel my power in your darkest hour?
You were not alone

Be still and know that I am God
I'm by your side
Whom shall you fear
I'll give you strength my child
I am here
Be still and know that I am God
And there's no prayer
That I don't hear
Lift up your head
My child
I am here

I know this is true and he is here and so is your family. My stuff has not left all the way yet as you know. But I know if I keep fighting it will get better and better. Like it has already. like almost night and day better. I am learning so much and so many great ways to help me get through things when I am by myself. I am learning to really understand who I really am. I love you a lot Alisa.

Mamie

Look to the Light

Alisa,
    Thanks again for today! I have always loved talking to you- you make things seem so much better just by your laugh. This is the video I was talking about. When I get into my "pineapple" haha I watch this and it brings me back to earth a bit. I remember one time I watched this it made me feel worse because I thought ohhh good grief Joseph Smiths trials were a million times worse than mine and here I am whining. What is wrong with me I am so selfish. But after watching it again and praying for guidance I felt so different. I felt as if I was truly understood... and as we talked about it was okay I felt that way....

 "When lonely hard times come, he is there. And when we weep he weeps with us."

"Peace be unto thy soul... Thine adversity and thine afflictions be but a small moment.... and then if thou endure it well... God shall exalt thee on high."

I am so grateful we have each other and so grateful we have our Savior. I love you Alisa! I will probably post things on here if you don't mind here and there that has helped me... or something I have learned. Or how this has turned into a blessing. It helps me to write and share!

Your text was so perfect with the picture of the Savior and how you said "We've got this!" You are right! We do.

Love you,
 Mamie