Monday, January 25, 2016

Be still

   I have had you constantly on my mind and prayers. What I am writing today I am a little nervous for some reason.... I have had this constant prompting to share this but I am not sure how. I was sitting driving to Walmart this morning thinking of you and thinking of how you feel... and knowing how you feel from my own experience... I wish so badly I could take this away from you.  I know you have felt covered in the most awful thick darkness that does not seem to break. or how you feel like you honestly don't know how you can pray anymore- because it seems all you do all day long is plead with Heavenly Father for peace, relief, or strength. I know you must feel scared. I felt so scared at times... like once I thought my days were over or that I would be better off in a pit, because I felt so bad for doing this to my family and my precious sweet children. I was so in need of relief. I watched the clock minute by minute wishing Oliver would walk through the door... so I could crawl up in my bed and just be done. Then morning came and I did this over and over. Till one day after a year or more of prayers I got even more scared.... This time it wasn't for my life, or for people around me, but it was .... I depended on everyone else but myself. I realized that I couldn't live without Oliver. I lived my life each day for the clock and relief.  I didn't care what else happened. I realized that the longer I laid in bed the worse my depression/anxiety got. I was burying myself and becoming to scared to live on my own. This scared me beyond anything I have felt before. I somehow said one more prayer, more desperate than I have ever prayed before. Because I realized ....I have to do this on my own, I have to defeat this. I prayed saying I know Heavenly Father this dark pit is not ending soon.... but I have to live my life. I sat on the top stair feeling what I think Joseph Smith felt when he was in the forest for the first time praying which church was true and a dark personage or something came upon him.... where he felt like there was no escape. I felt this way... I sat shaking, almost screaming, trying to get myself to go.... I moved very slowly down the stairs.... minutes it took on some! I made it finally and said to myself,  Oliver can't be here, my family is in Colorado, my friends... I don't have good enough ones yet.... this is you.... you have to and CAN DO THIS....  I went into the laundry room and painfully put a load in... opened the dryer... an hour later it was folded. I tried my hardest to play with Paige, which consisted of me laying on the floor crying or making myself go outside and walk.... crying the whole time. I'd get in the car to get Belle and Cash and I wished I could run off the road. I was in a dark place.  Sometimes I felt like my body physically couldn't move. But somehow I moved. I got the kids, I did the dishes,  I did this day after day... all of a sudden I was doing it without as much pain. I kept trying. I was doing it....

This morning as I was thinking of what I could say or what Heavenly Father wanted to say to you... A song immediately came to my mind. Mind you I have not heard this song since high school. I don't even own the cd or know the words. I went home and immediately put the one line down that I knew in google... and the first thing that popped up was the song in my mind. Please listen to it before reading on....

Alisa I know this is what Heavenly Father wants you to hear today. I KNOW IT... MY HEART IS BURNING... I KNOW IT. Alisa everything is going to be alright. I know it is harder than anything especially when you have a new born and there is no sleep or end in sight...

I know you're weary
I know you've had all you can bear
And now you ask of me on bended knee
I promise I'll be there

I've watched you struggle
Yet I can see how much you've grown
Child, could you feel my power in your darkest hour?
You were not alone

Be still and know that I am God
I'm by your side
Whom shall you fear
I'll give you strength my child
I am here
Be still and know that I am God
And there's no prayer
That I don't hear
Lift up your head
My child
I am here

I know this is true and he is here and so is your family. My stuff has not left all the way yet as you know. But I know if I keep fighting it will get better and better. Like it has already. like almost night and day better. I am learning so much and so many great ways to help me get through things when I am by myself. I am learning to really understand who I really am. I love you a lot Alisa.


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